depression

Ok, since it has hardly snowed, I have discovered that my mood gets worse and worse, the longer we dont get snow.

I have heard of people suffering from mild depression when they dont get enough vitamin d, but never mild depression from getting no vitamin snow! there was a foot and a half dumplett about 4 weeks ago and then there was a drought, followed by Noahs Arc II. I didnt leave the house for 6 days, lived in my pj's and watched about 60 episodes of family guy!

Then the snow came and I was happy again. Went out shredding everyday and slept like a baby everynight...
Now there is no snow again. Well there is white stuff, buts its metamorphasized into ice or slush-puppy! i like slush-puppies, but only in a cup with flavorants, a straw, while watching some lame movie.

Well there goes my mood down the shitter and I hope that the snow comes soon, because I dont wana be sad!

here is a pic of the mountain that we can see from the kitchen, its sposed to be covered in snow, but its not...

As there is no snow in Morzine and due to my cabin fever, I decided against all better judgement to go out and try my hand at skiing.
After a slight tantrum about how to carry my skis, poles, gloves ( I worked out its way easier wearing them) and walking in boots which in the end gave me blisters, I got up the mountain and went for my first ski.

I SUCK!!!!

As a snowboarder, I see many new skiers swerving across the entire run, cutting people off and causing much un-needed distress. I swore to myself, I would never be one of those people. Unfortunately my poles and I, went careering down the run, out of control, cutting off snowboarders and skiers and causing many a swear word to be uttered in my direction.

"For God sakes, I'm learning here people!" I screamed as other riders flew passed me, clipping my poles, skis, me! After one run I gave up!
My theory is that coz I'm short and South African, I was not built for skiing. A load of bull, I know, but it will make me sleep better at night!

Laugh all you want! Coz I was doing the same thing.

I forget...

Its been a while since I have been able to write a blog. I look at one of my friends blog pages and he is constantly writing... this is also possibly due to the permanent internet that they lucky sod has.

Walking down the street I think of the wierdest and most bloggable things. Then when I finally get to a place that has internet where I can express these amazing bloggable thoughts I totally forget them. As it has been a long while since I have contributed any form of blog, I wanted my first blog in a while to be something of interest, challenging the forces of evil, making mind blowing observations and sharing sollutions to age old problems....

Hence I have been carrying around scraps of paper and arb pens and writing eqipment so I can capture these world changing thoughts. But I have yet to have an amazing thought since this paper carrying started. So I have decided to leave all writing equipment at home and rely on the strength of memory.

So this brings me back to the beginning ( I love it when that actually happens) I have yet to provide a thought provoking blog.

So I think I will go home, read my scraps of paper, (which I have been collecting and storing in an old cigar box, since I have started my travels) and come back to this coffee shop and provide something where the reader can sit down with a cup of tea/ drink of preference and read what is going on in my mind.

See you all soon.

Try It, This Does Work..

We have all experienced lul in a conversation.
There is that akward silence, people look at their nails, take an invisible piece of lint of their jeans or suddenly need the loo. My worst is when there are a few people in a room or around a table who dont really know one another and there is nothing really for them to talk about. We all wait for the brave one to throw them all a life vest and spew out the age old conversation saver, THE WEATHER!

Even though this technique works and has saved me from excusing myself to go and 'check on the chicken/pasta'(or whatever is cooking) I recently tried and tested another line which can save a conversation. Its a VERY simple sentence "who would be three people you could have a pint(or tea) with?" They can be ANYONE, dead or alive, fictional or non fictional, the sky is the limit here!
I was asked this question the other day. I answered, Nelson Mandela, Hitler and then there was a toss up between Eve (as in Adam and Eve) and Ghandi and for the next hour we all discussed why we would choose the people we did and what would happen if we mixed our guests around, got them drunk or if one guest began hitting on another.

So next time your stuck for a conversation starter...
Try It, This Does Work

Honesty is the new black???

A friend of mine, has this saying "honesty is the new black".
I am petrified of honesty. Im not talking about honesty that we all learn while growing up, telling your mom that you stole a chocolate from a candy store, admitting to your teacher that it was actually Little Jimmy who put the whoppi cushion on her seat, or telling your flat mate it was you who drank the last of his milk. I'm talking about honesty in relation to feelings,thoughts, memories, expectations etc.

In my last few blogs, I decided to take the very big step and write about things that were going on in my head, instead of just writing about things that were happening around me. Telling the world (well anyone who wanted to read my blog) how I was feeling inside, showing that I am not always the happy-go-lucky person I seem to be, was a HUGE thing for me. Being honest to myself about my emotions was scarey!

It seems like everytime I have been totally honest with someone it has backfired in my face, hurt both me and that other person, led to tears, puffy eyes and spending too much money on airtime.
This scenario has been played out twice in the last two months.
The first time I told a friend something which I had been holding back on telling him, coz I didnt want to hurt him. But my honesty led to pain.
The second time was just this week, when someone special to me, was hurt by what I had said, or not said, in my blog posts.

So now I feel that everytime I write a blog, I have to censor what I write and not be honest about how I am feeling.
But I dont think thats fair.
So for those people who read my blog and are upset by what I say, I don't write what I write to make you feel upset, or to poke fun. I write the things I write for me and to let those people who care, know whats happening whats in my life and in my head.
Much Love xxx

Im alone...No More...

I have been thinking about family allot lately. Speaking to Vicky (my friend I am staying with in Canada) about her family and the relationship that she has with them, with Kyle about his family, bringing it back to the relationship I have with my own family and then with Brenton about family who is not related by blood, but by soul. All of this made me think about the roles that my close family members played in my life and how people who are not even related to you by blood can be considered family.

I am the only child who grew up being daddy's girl. My mum and I were close, but only when I got older did we begin to be friends. I'm sure most girls know what I'm talking about regarding their mum's. Due to puberty, us girls become ranting biatches, complaining about everything and just finding any excuse to pick a fight with mum. It's a sad reality, but only once my mum died did I only really appreciate her. Now that she is gone, I get really mad with people who don’t appreciate their parents. To those people who complain about their mum's being hormonal bitches, who check up on them too often and who wana be involved in their daughters lives, all I can say is "ATLEAST YOU STILL HAVE ONE!!!!!!!!!!" I hate pulling that card, "I don’t have a mum, so you must treat your better" but in some cases I feel like I have the right.

My immediate family is small, now consisting of only my dad and my mum's brother, John (aka Oom Jawn). I lost my last grandparent when I was 11. Both my dad's parents passed away before he was 26 and my uncle never got married, so I am basically his only blood relation left. So my connection with these two men (dad and uncle) is very tight, both of them having a huge impact on decisions I make and it kills me that these very important men can stand to be in the same room as each other. One would think that after they both lost my mum, that it would bring them closer together, but unfortunately it didn’t. They no longer have any reason to talk, besides swop information that I send them.
So you can imagine my joy when I came to America in 2004 and met some of my dads family and got to extend my family tree by a couple of branches. It is crazy that only after one season in America I felt like I had known the family that I had just met, forever. It was quite cool. Every time I travel somewhere significant I meet a new family member. Like this time, I met my other cousin Tina (who is actually 35) and when I go to the UK I will met my dads other sister Vera, her hubby and when I go to Spain, my dad’s brother Rowland and his wife.

Yet why do I sometimes still feel so very alone even though I am gaining more family all the time???
I have had boyfriends, I have friends who I will keep forever and I have friends who I will sadly loose contact with over time. While staying with Vicky for these last few days I have come to realize that often it's the friends who you keep forever, who become closer to you than your actual family. Well that’s how I feel.
Vick and I met only three years ago, but our friendship is so solid that we tend to finish each other’s sentences and know what each other is thinking. I have this connection with only a few people. Michelle, who I have been friends with for over 16 years, Emily, who became my soul sista on our first day in High School, Vicky and then dearest darling Claire, who despite her delicate heart which has being broken too many times, has remained one of the truest people I know. These four girls, and Adam (my very first friend I made via the internet) have become the siblings that I never had. These four people have been with me, during certain critical stages of my life, and have pulled me out of slumps which I would not have gotten out of by myself, times which even my family have not been able to and sometimes not even been aware of.

So I guess I don’t have to feel alone anymore.
Why does it take a piece of writing for me to realize these simple things?
Family aren’t only those who belong on the tree, but those people who stick with you through thick and thin, accept you for who you are and who you can rely on for anything. Picking you up at the airport, packing your bags and holding back your hair when you puke.
I am alone..... no more.

Reflections.

On the plane again (well I was when I wrote this on paper).
There are no movies playing, I'm tired of listening to my iPod and there are no interesting people to strike up arb conversations with. So I guess it's blogging time. I have been pestered by Brenton about when my next blog will be published, and I guess it is now! HAPPY WOO??? :)

It is weird that whenever I am on a plane, I tend to reflect on the past and wonder what the future holds and this time is no different.
These past three months in Tahoe have been very different to last season and looking back I cant say that I have matured much compared to last year. I think one of the reasons is that I didn't really need to come back to the States, although I am so happy that I did. Last year, I needed to get away, I needed 'Bublz Time'.
I was just trying to live it up last season, experience as much as I could. Soak up everything like a sponge plus it was also very new...

This time, I was living in a house with older people, a couple who were only interested in each other, far away from any parties and activity. I worked and rode, thats all. I was and still am worrying about big people stuff.
Money has been a huge issue for me this season. The season started slowly and bussing 4 hours a day doesn't really pay the bills. Getting your riding jacket stolen doesn't help the situation either, plus having to buy goggles and groceries messes up with the savings plan.
My future has also been troubling me. I have all these plans, which, if they work out will be amazing, but lord know how many times my plans have messed up and changed. I want to start getting jobs which will help me towards a future career and I'm not talking about serving food or clearing tables. I'm talking some real mental stimulation. I wanna write, create graphics, design, crit, give advice, generally use the mass of nerves in my skull towards something constructive, not just "Do you want fries or salad".

So this plane trip has allowed me to reflect on what I have done in the last three months, and how those actions will help or hinder me towards my future goals.
HELPS...
Got a contact through Woo, who I could possibly offer me an internship for next year in a snowboarding magazine. Met people in Mammoth, who are helping me get a job there for next season which will help finance my stay in San Diego during the internship.
Organised a job and a place to stay in England and researched night classes, which will finance my trip back to America and give me extra skills for the internship.
HINDERANCES...
Had issues with Brenton, which added unnecessary pain and stress into the trip and met a guy, Kyle. For the first time in a long time I allowed myself to like someone and then I had to leave him. I'm not saying that meeting Kyle is a bad thing at all, but it has made me look at my trip and all my travels in a different light, it is really lame, but I think about what would happen if I changed my plans and fit them around him and I begin to second guess the decisions I made. But on the other hand it is a good thing, coz if things work out, there is yet another good reason for me to come back, and if they don't then some of my plans and ideas were for naught and the general ego bruising doesn't help ones self confidence. Meeting Kyle could also be placed under the HELP section, coz he has (unknowingly) helped me see things in a new fresh light and had made me look at myself in a more positive way.

I also learnt abit about some other things. I learnt that when you open your heart to people, they can either hurt you or love you and it is the risk that you have to take. Living life worrying about if you are going to be hurt by this person or that person is not the existence I wish to lead and you gotta roll with the punches.
I also learnt that friends can be more loyal than family. Both can lie to you and hide things from you, but friends generally do it much less, because as my mum used to say 'you can choose your friends but not your family'.
Things and people are not always what they appear. Landings look softer than they are in reality, one little wind lip could cause you to get the biggest air of your life and some people are just a shell of smiles, but inside they are rotten.

Wow, I feel so much better.
Letting all that out really helps.
Reflecting and reevaluating is possibly the best way to spend a 3 hour plane trip, besides sleeping.